Looking at the 2028 Presidential "Election"
The constitution’s really just meant to be guidelines, not rules.
It’s never too early to think about the presidential election coming up in 2028. MAGA camp is certainly excited about their candidate.
“This one really is gonna make America great again!” is the draft slogan for Donny 2.0, a chatbot programmed with Trump’s personality—all of his likes and dislikes, his rambling, incoherent thoughts, the evil, vile things he’s never said out loud but only enacted on the American populace, as well as his speech patterns.
“Human-Trump will inevitably die before the election,” Brian Bagels, a lawyer for the Trump estate said. “Have you seen him? The guy looks terrible. His white blood cell count is seven. Total. His urine is green. And I think his skin has started to reject the spray tans. His skin molts off of him like a baby bird every night. It’s disgusting.”
The attorney admitted the administration was planning to try to “bend” the “law” that “limits” a president to two terms. “Two terms consecutive, two terms fully cognizant, two terms per felony conviction… those were some initial ideas the boys threw out there. I personally liked the argument that because he spent so much of the first term at Mar-a-Lago, it didn’t really count as a full presidency.”
But it did.
“This is cleaner,” Bagels said. “There’s actually a clause in the constitution stating that an AI bot can be president. —Well, let me clarify: there is no clause in the constitution stating that an AI bot can’t be president. Not to mention the constitution’s really just meant to be guidelines, not rules.”
Bagels introduced me to Donny 2.0 and I have to say, I was impressed. Sorry, typo: I meant depressed.
“What should we do with the immigration problem?” Bagels asked Donny 2.0.
It replied in thirty-seven seconds, “Well that’s a very good question, you see, a great question and I get asked that all the time. They ask me, they ask me, ‘Mr Trump, what are you going to do about immigrants when you become president?’ and I tell them, I say, ‘that’s a very good question, a great question and I get asked that all the time…”
“My god,” I said to Bagels, “that is an incredible likeness.”
“What about tariffs?” Bagels pressed.
This reply took longer. At least enough time for me to check my email. “Well tariffs—not a lot of people know about tariffs. They say to me, they say, ‘Don, what about tariffs?’ and I tell them that we’re gonna make China pay. Okay? If they want to come in here and buy up our soy, or if they want to come in here and import their steel, they’re gonna pay.
“That’s how tariffs work. A lot of people think that the money goes directly to the president, which, to be honest I’ve heard is how they do it in some countries and we’re looking in to how we can do that here, we’ve got some very good people doing the math on that.
“And they’ll come back and say ‘that’s a great idea, Mr Trump,’ and so that’s what we’ll do and when we import canola oil from China the president will get a check for that, and that will stimulate the economy when I go spend it in Turks & Caicos on vacation, in Mar-a-Lago, and so that will be—”
The screen blackened. The machine had shorted out.
“There are still some glitches,” a technician bumbled into the room to explain to me. “Mr Trump is so intelligent, the computer has a hard time keeping up.” He was escorted out of the room not long after. The muffled thump I heard not long thereafter, I suspect, was him recalibrating the machine.
“Have you seen Wizard of Oz, Mr Strange?” Bagels asked me.
“The parable about silver being the better metal for the standard than gold? Of course.”
“Yes. They changed the slippers to ruby but we all got the message. Anyway, you know that part about how the scarecrow wants a brain? Well, now we can give him one.”
Thanks for reading. Can I give you a homework assignment? If you’re reading this in the app, highlight your favorite quote and restack. If you’re in your email, would you please forward this to someone you think would enjoy it?