RFK Jr's Parasite for President
“I did not die, I merely went into hiding,” the parasite said through Mr Kennedy’s voice.
Robert Kennedy Jr revealed to an unsurprised public last month that his brain plays host to, among other things, a parasite. At a minimum, the parasite was causing the man who insists the government is putting dangerous chemicals, such as antibiotics, into our drinking water brain fog and word retrieval issues.
“That explains it,” one Rhode Island voter said. “I always thought that guy was a little off.” Kennedy, founder of the Children’s Health Defense, an organization working to de-vaccinate children who’ve received their shots, including the COVID-19 shot, is running as an independent presidential candidate.
His brain parasite is too. Mr Kennedy reported in his disclosure last month on the Ben Shapiro Bible Hour that the brain parasite had died. However, that has turned out to be false, as the brain parasite said in its own statement late last night on Invertebrates Bible Hour, another show Ben Shapiro hosts.
“I did not die, I merely went into hiding,” the parasite said through Mr Kennedy’s voice. “I awaited the right time to come out of my self-imposed exile. That time is now. After last week’s disastrous debate, the American people deserve another choice for president: I am running on an independent-independent platform.”
When the erudite interviewer asked the brain worm to outline its platform, it stated, “my first act as president will be to decommission every water treatment facility in the country.” Mr Kennedy, who has multiple times stated that atrazine in the water causes gender dysphoria, nodded vigorously at this statement. “God made water a prime place for life—all forms of life—to thrive.”
“Nextly, I will move to get more invertebrates the right of suffrage.” Suffrage, which sounds bad, is actually just the right to vote. When this was clarified for Mr Shapiro and Mr Kennedy, they both looked somewhat disappointed, viewers commented on the website formerly known as Twitter.
These two pillars of the brain worm’s platform are actually not dissimilar to what Mr Kennedy is running on. Experts and amateurs alike, such as Tucker Carlson, gleefully predict this will split the independent vote further.
On Breakfast with Ainsley and Doocy, a new FOX program airing from 4:29 to 4:35 every Thursday morning, questions of political legitimacy arose. Ainsley Earhardt asked, “what happens if the worm wins the election? How will we know which of the two is signing bills and addressing the American people?”
“If Joe Biden wins,” countered, or added, Steve Doocy—an assemblage of fifteen million flies occupying a Frankenstein’s monster-like corpse since 1971—“how would we know he’s not being controlled by dog vomit slime mold? He probably is. It would explain a few things.”
“If I win,” Mr Kennedy’s brain worm responded through its own Twitter account, @RFKsBrainWorm4Prez, “Robert and I have agreed that I will digest the personality center of Robert’s brain.” Many commenters grew enthusiastic at this announcement. “If I lose, I will instruct Robert to drink enough Ivermectin to kill a horse.” This, also, has caught the enthusiasm of many voters.
“Can we get Donald Trump in on this bet?” Tweeted the presidential candidate voters believe is least likely to be controlled by a parasite: Cornel West.