The Maduro Cycle

A repeating pattern that would impress Robert Jordan

My first thought when I read about the Secretary of Red Bull’s campaign against Venezuelan fishermen was, “oh god. Venezuela has oil, don’t they?”

They sure do. The largest proven reserve in the world. Threatening democracies across the world, in 1976, the country nationalized its reserves.

I obviously don’t know much about Venezuela. But I know that having oil makes a nation vulnerable to predation from capitalists.

So it was no surprise that the good Secretary escalated tensions when blowing fishermen sky-high did not draw aggression out of Venezuela. And he knew he could. Democrats’ strongly-worded letters do little against an administration that can’t read.

And it did not shock me at all that the chosen escalation was asinine, hare-brained, shortsighted, childish, and needlessly violent. This is nothing new for the American Empire.

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I spoke to officials across Washington about the United States’s illegal abduction of the sitting President of another country.

“This is a constitutional crisis,” ICE director Todd Lyons shared with me, on the condition of anonymity. “What I want to know is who gets to deport Maduro. Because it better fucking be me.”

Anonymous Marine’s diagram explaining the government’s plan for Maduro’s future.

Conditions are deteriorating in Washington. Immigrations and Customs Enforcement, the President’s secret police service, is furious that the President let someone into the country illegally.

“What’s the point of ICE if he’s going to let immigrants waltz into the country? This is worse than when Biden was president.”

“Maduro does not have a visa. And he is not here on a diplomatic visit. He is not allowed in the country,” Director Lyons said. “He didn’t even have his passport with him. Just a sweat suit, a two AA batteries, a coin, and an autographed copy of How to Win Friends and Influence People.”

One CIA operative, posing as a Venezuelan, told me, “people in Caracas are rejoicing.” Eighty civilians lost their lives in the attack. “They are dancing in the streets.”

Fuming on a Sunday morning talk show, Senate Democratic Caucus leader reprobated the president. When pressed if he is willing to take any legal steps to stop the administration from continuing its invasion, Schumer said, “Maduro is a horrible, horrible man.”

“He is a terrible man,” Secretary of State Marco Rubio agreed when I spoke to him via Signal. “He has eroded his people’s trust in a fair, democratic election. He has authorized federal troops to inflict violence on peaceful protestors. His terrible economic policies have led to hyperinflation. The guy doesn’t even know what a tariff is. He has threatened and intimidated his opponents, including Maria Corina Machado. And has said multiple times that he deserves the Nobel Peace Prize. We can’t have an autocrat like that in power, anywhere in the world.”

Later he followed up, “sorry. I think I sent you the wrong links.”

Rubio foreshadowed more action to be taken against Cuba and Colombia. The Secretary of State is the son of Cuban immigrants.

“Aw man, I thought we were cool with Cuba now,” Schumer said when I called him to see what he knew about that. “Do they have oil?” he asked.

“If ICE deports Maduro, that’s fine with me,” one of the Marines associated with the attack on Caracas shared via Discord. “I love Venezuela. It’s a beautiful country. I’d be happy to take my guys back down there and go grab him again. We can make it a semi-annual thing. A corporate retreat.”

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